Chinese Bird Eating Spider Snails

This is a short story I found on MySpace that I wrote when I was 16. @_@

The snail of war originated in the early years of 1856 around the time prince Charles gave birth to his own arm pit, little did he know that was the start of a terrible war (luckily it has nothing to do with the snails so I don't have to bother telling you that story). The war snail was created by a scientist because it's what they do, discover and create things involving science (he wasnt mad mind you i wouldn't let a mad person fiddle with science). This scientist went only by the name sir Albert Winslow (which is ironic because you can't win if your too slow) it was also a bit of a mouthful so im going to refer to him as Brian. Brian had been a fish monger for too long and had decided to work with a new kind of fish... the snail. Brian had long admired the snail for all its beauty and valour but had rarely sat down for a chat with a snail. This angered Brian to a point which required action, so he began collecting snails...
Brian had started off a craze for collecting snails within his village everyone loved collecting snails (except the out casts, like Kizi, who preferred collecting slugs or yo-yos) it was fine until the highest elders of UUUMTIKITIKI.com/snailbattle began battling snails, puting Apple Snails up against Golden Inca Snails and English Garden Snails against Dragons. Chaos was among men and snails alike (but not women, women are far too sensible for that kind of nonsense and hulubalu). But through the torment the snails grew ever stronger until they finally decided to group together following the lead of only the wise Chinese Bird Eating Spider Snails (its kind of a snail mixed with a spider kinda thing, they eat chinese birds... they live in brussels) but never the less they surely were wise. The snails came up with a plan far too simple for our complex human brains to understand, but I suppose the jist of it was they were going to kill all the humans in their sleep while holding a press conference about the ever-changing economy in order to distract all the llamas. This plan was to take place on 14/9/2634 so I wouldn't worry you will all be dead long before that... stupid snails...

Well... Have fun with that...